(Un)Abridged
There’s something I want to do. Can you tell me what it is? For a reason that seems to be beyond me, I can’t quite figure it out. Sitting at a corner desk in my basement-room after everyone has gone to bed above me, and I’m wondering what it is that I should be doing. Should be doing, really. Not what I want to do, what I need to do, but should be doing. Is there a difference, in any case?
Part of me just wants to get out and drive. Just leave the house and go somewhere else without stopping. I thrive in the night; that much is certain from the hours of my current employment (3-11 really does a number on one’s sleep schedule). Perhaps I’ll just sit on the floor and not do anything with my body. I have never actively done that as an activity before, so maybe that’ll be fun. Or maybe I could set myself down in front of the television and let my mind be dumbed down by the external stimulation of the media. Or else I could pick up one of my many books again, read on the stories that are so engaging. Or, or, or I could go to sleep; but what’s the fun in that?
Maybe I could go out and smoke. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good cigar. I received some a while ago as a gift, and haven’t opened them yet. Maybe. I’m not really in the mood for beer tonight, but I do enjoy a good brew from time to time. I could work on beating my newest video game purchase, or watch yet another movie in a trilogy of favorites. I could try to write a song, or record some more vocals, or record more guitar riffs and rhythms. I could look up practice EKG strips online and practice for -fun- work.
I keep forgetting that I have my USB mouse plugged in, and it overrides the trackpad usage.
I don’t deserve any of this. The warm (cool) house and the bed and the books and television and the music and the drinks and the smell of tobacco. I don’t deserve the internet and the video games and the food and blankets and clothes and USB microphones. I don’t deserve this body and the lungs and the heart and the mind and the muscles and the bones and the nerves and the senses within them all. I don’t deserve the love and the grace and compassion and generosity and strength and encouragement of this family that I was born into.
I don’t deserve the love and the grace and compassion and generosity and strength and encouragement of this God that I was made for. Everything that it is given me, I waste it like it’s cheap goods found in a flea market. I seek things for myself and think so little of the God who gave it all to me. I don’t deserve Jesus. But he gave himself up for me, taking away all that I deserved.
I deserved torture and punishment and abandonment and darkness. I deserved death and dismemberment and ashes and gnashing of teeth. I deserved silence and blindness and atrophy and pain. Jesus took all of that for me.
And on top of all that, he gave me what he had. Life. Righteousness before God. A passion for good deeds. Not only did he give me a clean restart, but he filled my new record with all of his accomplishments, assets, and perfections.
WHAT?! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!
He loves me because he loved me.
tl;dr
At first I was trying to figure out what I should do tonight, and I sat down at my computer to think about it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I am loved by God in Jesus Christ. Wow. I don’t deserve anything but judgement, but Jesus took all of that for me, and made me right with God. And because he came back to life, I know that I will live with him forever in eternity. Amen.
Sometimes I want to comment on the beginning of your posts, thinking I know where it is going, and in the end you surprise me. You are a consistent inspiration for me to look to Christ in all circumstances.
That being said, I ask myself that question a lot late at night. What should I be doing vs what do I want to do. 90% of the time, the answer for me is sleep.
On both counts. But my day starts a good deal earlier than yours.
But it’s that other ten per cent. Those times when you feel like you can do anything, like nothing is holding you back. It’s kind of like being a child again, but with all the independence and responsibility of an adult. That special time when there are no cares, no worries, nothing stands in your way.
More and more I’ve been seeking that ten per cent during the day, wondering if I can’t increase it to 15, 20, 50+ per cent. Reading (or listening to) epic stories, working behind the camera, scurrying around my editing bay, writing down ideas.
And beneath it all is God. And above it. And around it. And in it. My purposes must serve Him. How else can I live? Last night I came up with a great idea for a suspense/horror short. It would have been incredibly creepy, possibly even scary with the proper application of sound. But how would that serve God’s purpose? I could not think of a way to justify it. Good! I don’t want to be able to justify things that aren’t serving God’s purpose.
Anyway. Have a good one, buddy. I miss having a kindred spirit around. Hasta Diciembre!
What a great reminder Danny. I love how your thoughts flow and the way you word things. Thanks for sharing!